Joe Sabado – Higher Education & Technology Leadership

I believe one of the sources of our frustrations is when our expectations do not match the realities of our situations. I’ve learned through the years to recognize what I can control or influence and those I simply need to accept as I’m in no position to change them. I’ve also learned that changing my perception and emotional response is more accessible than changing those around me. By re-framing or recognizing my control/influence boundaries, I’ve learned to minimize my frustrations and make the best of my situation.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that it’s probably easier to change myself (or my attitude) than to change others. For example, some folks are more naturally outspoken and have more dominant personalities than I do. During meetings, I’ve gotten frustrated when I’m unable to express my thoughts/ideas when the discussions are happening. Maybe it’s because I’m introverted, and it takes a lot of energy to be in these situations, or tha,t I’m just eloquent enough to verbalize my thoughts. Sometimes, these folks are way above the organizational hierarchy or from other organizations, and asking them to change their ways would probably not be the wisest nor the most effective move on my part. Given that I can’t change these folks, I’ve learned to change my attitude and expectations when attending these meetings. I’ve learned to relax and accept that these meetings are sometimes monologues, and I’m there just to listen. I’ve come to realize when decisions have already been made, I wasn’t going to waste my effort and energy having to argue my points. If I do need to convey my ideas, one of the things I do is to write them down and email them to the group before or after the meetings. I may also share my thoughts with other folks so they know where I’m coming from and can help me express them during the session. Just a side note, when I facilitate meetings, I make an effort to encourage other folks to participate and acknowledge their ideas.

Another scenario I’ve come to accept is that formal positions don’t always mean being in a position of authority. Throughout my career, I’ve led several committees and projects at our university, ranging from departmental and divisional to campus level. For the most part, my position as chair/leader of the committee/project meant I was able to have a relatively high level of influence, and I was able to shape the discussions because of my expertise and position in the organization. However, there have been times when I find myself only havingplaceition in my name. Based on the politics, personalities, or expertise of those involved, I find myself in a role with limited authority. This would have bothered me in the past, and I took it personally.  However, I’ve come to realize that as long as the project’s objective is met and the process is generally what I consider respectful and productive, I will contribute in the way I can, even if it means just scheduling the meetings. This doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t exert my “authority” as a chair/lead and adjust the direction of the discussions when needed. What it does mean is that I’ve learned to “pick my battles” and not to take my situation personally.

It’s easy to get lost in the messiness we encounter along the process. Keeping the bigger picture and end goal in mind gives us a compass to guide us along the way.

We all have ideas on how things should be. I’ve read many books on leadership, communication, and organizational management, and I sometimes forget these books are about what and how things should be in an ideal world. The reality is that these ideals could be far from our realities. Because our value systems and experiences shape our world views, we also set our expectations. When these expectations are not met, it’s when we get frustrated. Keeping in mind that our ideals are not always shared by others and accepting this fact may be the difference in how well we maintain our sanity.

image credit: http://blog.tangocard.com/2012/12/28/definition-of-insanity-and-a-real-solution-for-gift-cards/sanity-insanity-road-sign/

I write this post with the acknowledgment that I own many privileges as a male, heterosexual, college-educated, Christian, able-bodied, employed, and a person living in America. Even with these privileges, there are times when I am faced with situations that remind me of my inferiority as a person of color. It was only last week when I went to a Best Buy store, and the salesperson would not even acknowledge me when I was just a couple of feet away from him. It probably took more effort to ignore me than to say hi or say the words “how may I help you”? Did I not look like I had any money to spend? It bothers me when a server ignores my table and treats my friends and us like we don’t belong there. When a salesperson at a Nordstrom store goes out of their way to help a white couple, looking affluent, across the store and ignores me while I’m standing next to him, it bothers me. It bothered me enough I went and spoke with the store manager. I asked myself, was it my age, my look, the way I dressed? Today, a person at my university told me, unsolicited, “I didn’t wear my tie today just to feel important.” a reference to the fact that I was wearing a tie like I do most days. I half-jokingly pointed to my arm and told him, “I have to wear ties just to be equal to others because of my brown skin.”  This person says, “Oh no, I didn’t mean it that way, not at all.”  When another person jokingly, I think, asked me, “whose ass did you kiss to get to where you are?” my immediate reaction at that moment was that they were kidding and laughed it off, to wonder later on what they meant. Did they think I got to where I am through some exception or tokenism? Maybe I don’t need to prove myself, but I feel I need to prove my worth by working harder and longer hours. When a vendor I invited to demo a product chose not to look at me during his one-hour presentation and focused on my two white colleagues the entire time, I wondered why that was.

As a person of color, and an immigrant, there are things I notice that maybe my other colleagues or those around me probably don’t. It’s hard to explain, but there’s a gut feeling that things just don’t seem right where things happen. I’ve gotten a response when I’ve questioned situations: “I was too sensitive.” Am I too sensitive? I don’t know. Maybe. At some point, I stopped sharing some of my concerns so as not to hear those words. What I do know is that I sometimes find myself trying to find reasons to justify the actions of others directed at me and leading me to ask myself why was it that I was treated in a certain way. Is it simply because of how I look, act, and speak, that I’m short? Is it because of my skin color, my race? Maybe it has nothing to do with me. It’s just them.

When I was a freshman at UCSB a couple of decades ago, several of my hallmates discussed how we were accepted to UCSB. One of them told me I was born because of affirmative action and that he had other white friends who had better grades than me and did not get in. Somehow I still remember this situation probably because throughout my life since this occurred, I am reminded of the fact that I am still seen as inferior, and my accomplishments may have just been a result of tokenism. Maybe somehow, I did not earn them.

These negative experiences I’ve had pale compared to what other friends have told me. I’m fortunate I didn’t have to go through what they’ve gone through as persons of color, and here I am again, trying to minimize the negative impact these experiences have had on me, but sometimes, they get emotions out of me. Individual incidents probably don’t amount to anything, but when these things happen often enough in one’s lifetime, they become hard to ignore.

“Humility comes from inside out and it says, “Someone was here before me and someone has already paid for me.” I have a responsibility to pay for someone else who is yet to come, there is no room in there for ego!” – Maya Angelou

When I think how much sacrifice my parents have done in their lifetime for my sister and I to have the lives that we do, I’m reminded that for all the blessings I have, I did not get them only on my own.   I am humbled for all the opportunities given to me. Humility and gratitude are values I hold dearly both in my professional and personal lives. It is for this reason that I am bothered when I hear others disparage the work of others before them and not realizing that these same work they are criticizing are some of the reasons why they have the opportunities they have now.

I cringe when I hear those who label the work of others as “piece of shit” or “garbage”. There is so much arrogance behind those words, the sense of superiority, the sense that the work of others don’t matter. There is so much ignorance behind those words.

Too many times, I see the sense of privilege, that somehow the world owes us what we “deserve”. I admit, I even forget all the privileges I have and take them for granted. However, I am quickly reminded of how fortunate I am when I think about the sacrifices my parents and all those who paved the way for me. Let’s not forget that for all the successes and experiences we have, we did not do this solely on our own.

Reading this article on Asian-Americans and racial ‘microaggressions’ brought up memories of certain experiences in my life and feeling like I’m an “outsider” or feeling inferior.  Trying to figure out how I fit in or how I belong at work or in social settings is a constant process. As an immigrant from the Philippines, I was reminded immediately after arrival in the US many years ago that I was different, that I am somehow inferior because of my “fobbish” accent, the color of my skin, my race, my socio-economic background,and how I see and relate with the world around me because of my upbringing. I remember being mocked by other students in my 6th grade class when I raised my hand to ask questions and addressed my teacher as “Ma’am” as this how it was in the Philippines.I grew up with the values to respect authority/elders and to have the “we/community” instead of “me/individualistic” mentality but I’m also reminded throughout my career that somehow I’m being too sensitive with that approach. I’m not assertive enough, some have said.

I believe in the idea that the world does not owe me anything, that I have to work for what I would like to have. Watching my parents work multiple jobs at a time and not wanting hand-outs has certainly shaped how I view my world. Even with this belief, sometimes I find myself thinking and accepting that different standards exist for different people. I’ve accepted the idea that I need to work harder, prove myself more than others to be seen as equally capable or that I even belong. Frankly, it’s frustrating, but I have to remind myself that I also carry privileges that I take for granted from time to time.

I have never been able to quite figure out what is the right formula for an appropriate work-life balance. But then again, I’ve accepted the idea that I am not able to truly separate my work from my personal life and vice versa and so I’ve never spent much time trying to figure out how to balance my work/life.  I’ve been fortunate in that my wife and I have careers in higher education we both enjoy. We enjoy what we do because we truly believe in helping students and we believe in the power of education. My work is part of my whole being. It is part of who I am. I work in student affairs not solely for the money but because I find personal and career fulfillment. Generally, activities I find “wanting to do” instead of those “having to do” enjoyable and I look forward to. This is the case with my career. It’s 1:00 AM and I’m up doing system diagrams and writing this blog post and I love it. While some have pointed out this lack of sleep is detrimental to my help, I actually find working at night very relaxing and productive.

I read articles suggesting workers should not work beyond the normal 8-5 work hours. I wonder how many professionals out there have been able to  work their way up by just working within their “normal work hours”.  Personally, I spent many years of late-night hours reading and practicing my programming skills. This was a matter of personal choice. I am not a natural-born programmer so it took me longer to grasp concepts that probably come easier to others. In addition, when I started my career as a web developer in 1996, I had no mentor to learn from. There were no tutorial sites I could copy codes from. Most of what I did were unprecedented at that time  and so I had to spend extra hours after my 8-5 schedule to figure out what I was doing. In addition to my job, I also regularly accepted consulting projects so that I could learn.

There was a time soon after my wife and I got married in 2001 when I had to adjust the amount of time I worked and when I worked. As a newly married couple, our priorities changed towards spending more time together, but I don’t think it was particularly a hard adjustment. We’ve been able to go on vacations, spend a lot of time together and after 12 years of marriage, our relationship is as strong as ever. If and when we do have children, we both accept and look forward to making adjustments to fit the needs of our children and ours once again. In addition, as our aging parents require needing more attention, we will need to make the adjustments as well.

I no longer have to code in my current management position but I find myself “working” after hours, by learning and thinking about how I can be a better leader/manager today.  I also find myself spending a lot of time thinking and reflecting about the future of my profession outside work.

I suppose my wife and I do think about work/life balance but only when adjustments need to be made. Our work is part of who we are and so we don’t compartmentalize it and isolate it from our personal lives. If it ever comes to a point when my job feels as if it’s intruding on my personal life and relationships, then I will make the choice to find a new one. I can’t see that happening anytime soon. I am grateful and acknowledge the privilege of having found a career that aligns with my personal core values and goals. My perspective on how to achieve work/life balance may not be as applicable to other folks, but it’s a personal experience I wanted to share.

What’s your take on work-life balance?

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